"I Got an A in Napping in Ms. Benders Kindergarden Class"

One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation.

Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

Death has been my constant companion the last forty four years.  I am surrounded by the smells of the urine, excrement,  baby powder when I go to visit at the nursing home. The passing of Mothers table mates this week has been very stressful and it's taking a toll on her spirit.  

First thing Mothers says the "Grim Reaper" came last night , that's twice this week! "He's making his way down the hall", she tells me. I see the fear in her cataract eyes, with diamond's of tears in her eye lashes. I touch her should to say, "this is the only thing we all have in common Mother, we will all die."


The mystery we call life is simple way of saying, "no one knows when death comes knocking." I said "May it be Humphrey Bogart" she laughs..... My duty is not so much as Son now, it's being a "listener", "comforter" to her fears, as the days roll on, recognition of me is becoming more distant, after Mother stares at me for a bit, oh "There she is", meaning me.


We talk about how the other night this "Angel" was standing over her by her bed. I said; "Mother the Angels assist you in your forgiveness,  I wish I was nicer to my Mother," she says.... Silence


The one story she told was my kindergarten stories. How I got an A for napping? then ... silence. She drifts to sleep mumbling. 

The Act of Compassion, understanding is individual.

"He hit her with a frying pan, she was bleeding, I took a face cloth, put it on her face, it was soaked with dark red blood" This was my eighty five year old Mother tell me of the story of her mothers relationship to my abusive grandfather, her first memory. She then said "alcohol has put me in this wheelchair and robed you of a mother", the booze killed your father, Brother, and destroyed the Family. "

For those of us whom are blessed with having to care for aging residential school survivors as parents, at times it's my being a son to her more than she was a mother. I am fortunate to hear the "Hidden" stories of her past. The ghost if you will. The TRUTH!

I was shocked and unprepared for her truth-isms. I accept and listen to her confession of my fathers infidelity's, and how she stuck by him for thirty years for the "Sake of the children". I thanked her. She then said; "You raised yourself" I was to broken. You survived.

My early childhood memory is this; A Cold January night, a shack on thirty fourth street was home, (The Jehovah's Wittiness Church) is now there. I was cleaning up bottles from the table of drunk parents and there weekend friends. I was sick with a fever, My sister Kathie ran to the neighbour's to call an ambulance. It came I remember crying, for Mother , she was passed out in her beer. I was in that hospital for weeks(best time of my life). My mother remembered this and apologized forty years later. I forgave her.

Reconciliation, forgiveness; what act of kindness can one show to the dying. One must listen to the stories of the parents, for it's simple to ask for forgiveness, but is a tougher for the person being asked to forgive the asked. I'm the age of self forgiveness, done it, it has empowered me to see my "social contacts" as "stories", in essence long research interviews that may last years, as I have found out.

I recently have put the bottle down for the third time in my adult life. I want to be clear, present, and clean to feel the emotions, stories.  it has not been a struggle like it is for some.  It's simple to see the damage it has done to my body/liver, and FAMILY. This was my bottom. 

Listening to my Mothers stories. The act of forgiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Not all people deserve or can ask for forgiveness. I admit that I still have not forgave many that have done me wrong.The gay basher in Whitehorse that never went to trial. The people that back stabbed me for self gain.  I am more intelligent to know that it's a small world and it's that persons journey, not for me to judge. 

At times the waves may tip my boat over, but for the foreseeable future I see nothing but calm sea's......

The Breakout from the Insane Asylus

Escape escape.... Run Run fast as you can for I'm the ginger bread man, turning to crumbs.

Living in a social housing has it's +'s $$$$, but it comes a time when one has to put that aside for ones safety, and own health. I have worked with the disadvantaged all my life. I as a Life Skills coach(that has worked with some hard convicts in my career, the most invisible, and neglected.

With the recent jumper at the Brandon Regional Health Center the second since December 2010(New Years Eve) one has to stop with the politically correct bullshit and protect the public from a 280 lb man who's given up on life or just plain weak of will. Yes life is fucking hard, Yes! Life is full of pain, and Pain is pain, not a white pain, brown pain, but it's a part of being a human on this planet. Sometimes it's self-preservation to become desensitized to whats going on around you. The physical toll, emotional, mental toll is devastating... Yes! I understand intimately pain.

It's going to become very clear that some humans are "defective" Broken, beyond repair and this is where Mental health centers come in. this "Community" way of putting a Soc-path, psychopath back in society to offend again by which destroying other lives for his/her sexual or physical abuse. is WRONG!

The effect of a jumper at the hospital over the Tim Horton's cause maybe he could not afford a Tim bit, should not come at the cause of all 200 people who sat in horror Innocent bystanders in the right place at the wrong time.  This individual slipped through our wonderful health care system... AGAIN. . I have been is Social work before, and I had clients that I would say to myself; "what the hell are you being allowed to roam the streets for!" Well that's what the day homes do here, give these clients pills, drug them up and set them on to the street to wander till supper, they eat at the soup kitchen, sit on benches, Downtown Brandon is one big day program for the paroled, and mentally ill. Some people just can not be allowed on the street. But political correctness wins again.

Mental health in Brandon is money making business. This is similar to the Aboriginal Money making business Brandon University and other university programs have in this country. BUT the New Conservative Government will change that, and undo the damage caused by the NDP/Liberal oh yeah the Liberals are dead in the water .

Brandon's main industry are; Old people, Mental health and beer vendors oh slave labour by Maple Leaf whom brings in immigrants from far far away so they can't run home. Slaves!

The insane asylum  door is open for business.

Tonto Rides Again. ... For a Buck!

Whoa.... I'm back... from the abyss of the bottle. I can say that it was a journey that hope was my last. What did I learn?  Update of sorts is in order.

I have decided since I'm critical of the "people in power" I might as well become one of them sitting around the table in Brandon City Hall chambers for the Brandon City Council Poverty committee. The first meeting was fascinating to be sitting in Mayors chambers, with all blond and blue eyes staring back at me. Seeing me but not seeing me.  Out of all seven council members at the table ONLY two came up to introduce themselves and shake my hand. The old boys club is now forced to see this Two-Spirited man sitting across the table. I was selected by City Council to speak for the people whom can not speak for themselves. I will let you know how it goes after my next meeting in September.

I was going to be at the Brandon Folk Festival and the Gruboxx Artists collective show in Barrows, Mb. But it has been postponed till further notice and new members with like minded, ethic, morals can be found. This will be under the direction of Blaine Klippenstein. So watch for the dates here.

I have decided to cancel all unnecessary people/Friends and events in the life, to soul focus on healing my damaged liver. This is what 24 years of boozing/binge drinking got me. I have NO REGRETS. The fatty liver and grim reaper knocking at the door and my weight dropped from 185 to 168.  I look sexy however but not the way I wanted to look. So the Booze is gone and so are all my "Drinking Friends". Life choices are very easy when your life depends on it. It's not that difficult to drop the beer bottle and walk on... I will keep you posted on this.

I'm returning to writing full-time since I'm now on Disability. My working physical toilet cleaning days are over. NOW the main big event. I have started recording my Mother stories again. To start my manuscript of "The Devil Danced Here" or the "Girl in the Field of Sweet Grass".

I will be leaving Brandon for two months or more, or stay the whole winter in solitary meditation in the forest to write, heal and meditate and look at stars. I'm seeking a peaceful place I will be turning forty Five August 9th. I never thought in my life I would live to see this age, and now when your body has a virus eating away at your cells it makes me want more time...That's always the case. YES I GOT MY WAKE UP CALL.

I have a small window garden coming in sweet! I am reading a book a week now. Starting with Under The Volcano" by Malcolm Lowery, how fitting eh... geezer.  I spend my days sleeping and watching ted TV, fora TV, started my meditation practice again. I love my own companionship, and thank the creator for giving me this challenge this time in the life.

I'm wiser, and can put my illness into perspective. I'm at peace with whatever happens after treatment(what kind I don't know yet). If passing on is the case, then there better be HOT ANGELS naked of course at the gates. LOL.....

Well off to the clinic which will be my 2nd home again. I know the nurses by name now lol... Off for my Cirrhosis of the liver tests, and my liver muscle disease tests. More ultra sounds, (The tech is HOTTIE!!! so that's a plus.lol...

It feel good to talk about it. to cyber world.

The Harris family is going through a few life trials at the moment, this is life.... I have my faith and a few close family/friends. I'm blessed.

So here we go together on a new path Blog spot friends...

Peace.